‘FAST X’ Accelerates the Tired Franchise Into a Wall of Absurdity

May 17, 2023 by Matt Oakes Posted in Out in Theaters Tagged Charlize Theron, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Fast X, Helen Mirren, Jason Momoa, Jason Statham, John Cena, Jordana Brewster, Louis Leterrier, Michelle Rodriguez, Nathalie Emmanuel, Out in Theaters, Reviews, Scott Eastwood, Sung Kang, Tyrese Gibson, Vin Diesel 1 Comment

Death has been tamed in the realm of the Fast and the Furious, a universe where mortality is less of a concrete reality and more of a minor inconvenience. Explosions, vehicular disasters, bullets, and even cosmic escapades seem to have lost their lethal touch. Notably, Paul Walker’s Brian O’Conner, who we mourned back in 2013, has somehow cheated death’s finality to make posthumous cameos in four subsequent films. It’s an impressive work ethic that redefines the very essence of ‘life after death’. Why die when resurrection is but as plot contrivance away? Read More

There’s Somehow Even More Family And Furious Stupidity in Ridiculous ‘F9’

June 23, 2021 by Matt Oakes Posted in Out in Theaters Tagged Charlize Theron, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, F9, Fast & Furious, Helen Mirren, John Cena, Justin Lin, Kurt Russell, Michael Rooker, Michelle Rodriguez, Nathalie Emmanuel, Out in Theaters, Reviews, Sung Kang, Tyrese Gibson, Vin Diesel 3 Comments

It might not have been until F9: The Fast Saga that the Toretto crew finally launched into outer space but the long-running Fast & Furious franchise left Earth’s rotations a long time ago. When Fast Five reconfigured what was possible for the crew of once-car-jackers and small-time criminals by making them larger-than-life master-criminals to whom the laws of physics bent the knee in surrender, all bets were finally off. Helmer Justin Lin had reached a pinnacle of the utterly ridiculous, high-octane bombast that fueled the car-based action films and laid the template for all that would follow. Fast would never be the same. Read More

Out in Theaters: ‘GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2’

May 3, 2017 by Matt Oakes Posted in Out in Theaters Tagged Bradley Cooper, Chris Pratt, Dave Baustista, James Gunn, Karen Gillan, Kurt Russell, Michael Rooker, Pom Klementieff, Vin Diesel, Zoe Saldana 2 Comments

Like the US government, the big whigs at Marvel have a sordid history of interventionism. Professed “creative differences” drove visionary Edgar Wright from Ant-Man, ran Patty Jenkins off Thor: The Dark World and kept Ava DuVernay at bay from Black Panther. The films in the MCU are larger than any standalone film; they must click and connect in complicated corporate webs, webs that have given us material such as the infamous Thor in a sauna scene in the widely forgotten Avengers: Age of Ultron. Which makes Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, a film written and directed by one man, James Gunn, such a wildly fresh breathe of air.
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Out in Theaters: ‘XXX: THE RETURN OF XANDER CAGE’

January 19, 2017 by Matt Oakes Posted in Out in Theaters Tagged D.J. Caruso, Deepika Padukone, Donnie Chen, F. Scott Frazier, Kris Wu, Nina Dobrev, Out in Theaters, Reviews, Ruby Rose, Russell Carpenter, Toni Collette, Tony Jaa, Vin Diesel, xXx: The Return of Xander Cage Leave a comment

X done gave it to us. Behold, in all its knuckle-headed glory: xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, a gratuitous bukake of bullets, boobies and brain death. Frequently crass, totally illogical, unapologetically misogynistic and dumb beyond compare, xXx is breathtaking event entertainment that works for almost every single utterly retarded beat. Like a locomotive fueled purely by cocaine and the X Games, this revitalized franchise exists as if within the wet dream of a 13-year old American boy. A slick tshit-nami of dumb dumb dumb, xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is nonetheless perfectly stupid in almost every way imaginable.   Read More

Out in Theaters: ‘BILLY LYNN’S LONG HALFTIME WALK’

November 16, 2016 by Matt Oakes Posted in Out in Theaters Tagged Beau Knapp, Ben Fountain, Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, Chris Tucker, Garrett Hedlund, Jean-Christophe Castelli, Joe Alywn, Kristen Stewart, Life of Pi, Mackenzie Leigh, Out in Theaters, Reviews, Steve Martin, Vin Diesel 1 Comment

Let’s get one thing out of the way first. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk is a terrible name for a film. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. A clunky mouthful, the title is culled directly from the celebrated novel of the same name from Ben Fountain, who won several novelist awards for his work including the National Book Critics Circle Award for Fiction, but that doesn’t mean that such a jargony mouthful needed to remain in place when translated to film. The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad name comes under fire again when you realize that Billy Lynn doesn’t really walk all that much, he kinda just plops down in his Dallas Cowboy stadium seat and remembers exchanging “I Love You’s” with Vin Diesel until it’s his chance to perform with Destiny’s Child. If the previous sentence didn’t make a lick of sense, welcome to Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk.
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Out in Theaters: ‘THE LAST WITCH HUNTER’

October 22, 2015 by Matt Oakes Posted in Out in Theaters Tagged Breck Eisner, Burk Sharpless, Cory Goodman, Elijah Wood, Mat Sazama, Michael Caine, Out in Theaters, Reviews, Rose Leslie, The Last Witch Hunter, Vin Diesel Leave a comment

Turns out when you take Vin Diesel out from behind the steering wheel, he’s still rocking cruise control. His latest starring vehicle, The Last Witch Hunter, pays homage to the muscle-bound actor’s IRL passion for D&D. No, not designated driving but Dungeons and Dragons (the actor has openly express his passion for the tabletop role-playing game). Like a faltering dungeon master, Diesel is as one-dimensional and underwhelming as a bag of old Cheetos. Playing a Norseman destined to keep the peace between witches and the human race, Diesel does nothing to differentiate this performance from any of his other recent ones, and how could he? The man is as wooden as Groot, as mechanical as the Iron Giant, as audibly indecipherable as Dominic Toretto’s meat and potatoes growl-slur. It seems you can take the Dom out of the movie but you can’t take the Dom out of Vin Diesel. Read More

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY Trailer Rockets Online

February 19, 2014 by Matt Oakes Posted in Trailers Tagged Benicio Del Toro, Bradley Cooper, Chris Pratt, Dave Bautista, Glenn Close, Guardians of the Galaxy, John C. Reilly, Lee Pace, Marvel, Trailers, Vin Diesel, Zoe Saldana

If you ever wanted to see Andy Dwyer, the Hulk’s little sister, StarFox (er, StarCoon?), and a teenage Treebeard team up to wage a battle of galactic proportions, then you might want to check out the first trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy that released earlier tonight.

Marvel’s latest brand integration venture is based on a comic series written by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning that first ran in 2008. Guardians of the Galaxy follows a team of five outcasts as they find themselves accidentally caught in a cosmos-bending conflict after stealing a powerful orb from some evil maestro named Ronan the Accuser.

Coming off recent successes in The Lego Movie and Spike Jonze’s Her, Chris Pratt plays Peter Quill (the self-titled “Space-Lord”), a drunkard American thief who doesn’t seem to take anything seriously. He’s joined by Zoe Saldana in green body-paint, Bradley Cooper voicing a space raccoon, WWE fighter Dave Bautista, and Vin Diesel, who plays an extraterrestrial plant monster (colloquially known as a “tree”).

If those names weren’t enough to catch your interest, then maybe John C. Reilly, Glenn Close, Karen Gillan and Benicio Del Toro acting in supporting roles will. Even Lee Pace joins in as the story’s villain, continuing his recent trend of distempered characters.

Judging from the trailer, Guardians of the Galaxy has potential for some good laughs and jackassery. James Gunn directs what looks to be a crass, CGI-filled romp that will at least hold your attention until Avengers: Age of Ultron releases next year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTZ2Tp9yXyM

Guardians of The Galaxy is directed by James Gunn and stars Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Bradley Cooper, Dave Bautista, Vin Diesel, John C. Reilly, Glenn Close, Karen Gillan, Benicio Del Toro and Lee Pace. It’ll start maings boatloads of money starting August 1, 2014.

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