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‘THE NORTHMAN’, A Life of Death

Heavy Metal 895

Robert Eggers finds the language of a movie before anything else. Drawing up the screenplay for The Witch, Eggers studied journals, diaries, and anything from the early days of American settlers that he could get his hands on. Through their particularly dated parlance, he crafted a haunting vision of religious fervor gone amuck in a haunted New England wood. For his sophomore feature, The Lighthouse, Eggers looked to the vernacular of folklore, myths, and seamen, spinning spittle-infused soliloquies about mariner curses on the 1890s high seas. His salty dialogue matched perfectly with Willem Dafoe’s wide-eyed delivery. With The Northman, Eggers pairs with Icelandic poet Sjón to find the language of the 9th century Nordic people. And their language is violence. Read More

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Pointless ‘FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE SECRETS OF DUMBLEDORE’ Spends Last Shred of Goodwill on Political Allegory 

Avada Kedavra Beasts Franchise!

Grindewald runs for public office, the Dumbledore family tree expands, and Magizoologist Newt Scamander dances with dungeon scorpions in the absolutely pointless, painfully-dull, franchise-killing Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore. Series mainstay Katherine Waterston had the good sense to sit this one out and I wish I had as well. Read More

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SXSW ‘22: Yearning Homoerotic Thriller ‘IT IS IN US ALL’ 

When out-of-tower Hamish (Cosmo Jarvis) gets in a head-on-collision with Irish teenagers Callum and Evan (Rhys Mannion), only the later survives. Reeling from the fallout, the unscathed Evan and banged up Hamish wind up in a complicated dance, caught somewhere between trauma bonding and flirtation in a film that’s slow to reveal its hand. Their relationship becomes bizarrely intimate but undercut with a simmering level of foreboding in actress-turned-first-time-director Antonia Campbell Hughes introspective thriller It Is In Us All. Read More

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Soulless Video Game Adaptation ‘UNCHARTED’ A Cash Grab With Zero Charm

A black hole of charm, Sony’s Uncharted is the opposite of inspired. Everything about this lazy, expensive, haphazard adaptation of the popular Playstation exclusive reeks of assembly-line blockbuster manufacturing. For a wannabe franchise-launching starting block, one that clocks in with an aggressive $120 million dollar budget, Uncharted feels little more than a hack pastiche of adventure movie tropes, airlifted in from better treasure hunter films and spackled with a coat of snide Mark Wahlberg one-liners. It’s painful by virtue of just how adamantly risk-averse and paint-by-numbers just about everything on screen ends up being. Read More

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Handsome, Dull ‘DEATH ON THE NILE’ Paddles Towards Predictability 

Death on the Nile begins with the origin story of Hercule Poirot’s (Kenneth Branagh) ridiculous mustache. His face was half-blown off in WWI you see, this facial deformity informing his older self’s reclusive and fussy nature. The overly coiffed, quadruple-pronged mustache was a cover up all along. A way to throw people off the scent of his great trauma and deep-seated pain. The detective, it seems, is indeed human after all. Surmising why the world-famous detective became who he is proves the best material in this sequel to 2017’s Murder on the Orient Express, a murder mystery that is otherwise haunted by an almost total lack of mystery.  Read More

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‘MOONFALL’ A Crash Course on Big Dumb Havoc Wreaking

The master of disaster is back to ruin the world again with Moonfall, a shamelessly bonkers sci-fi disaster movie where the moon is suddenly on a collision course with earth. A select few suspect aliens are involved. Following a string of disappointments, director Roland Emmerich’s latest is a bit of a return to form, or at least whatever form best suits Emmerich. Moonfall is an uncompromisingly ridiculous disaster epic where the scale is as massive as the plot-holes and the human element is consistently overshadowed by destruction special effects. It’s big, it’s loud, it’s dumb, and by the time the whole thing takes shape, it’s almost too much fun to deny its simple pleasures. Almost. Read More

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‘JACKASS FOREVER’: A Confederacy of Dunces

It’s a remarkable feat that all these years later, MTV’s original confederacy of dunces still can withstand this level of pain. Jackass Forever, as directed by longtime ringmaster Jeff Tremaine, forgoes any suggestion of maturity and sticks with the simple premise of dick-punching, bone-shattering, concussion-friendly gags that these cackling hyena’s den of pranksters have long delivered for the juvenile, puerile, infantile amongst us. It’s just as recklessly funny as it’s always been. Read More

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SUNDANCE ’22: Carla Juri Shines in Understated Romance ‘BLOOD’ 

Following the death of her husband, photographer Chloe (Carla Juri) moves to Japan to try to start anew in blood. She’s welcome by their jovial old friend and traveling musician Toshi (Takashi Ueno) as well as the beguiling mysteries that every new city holds. As Chloe wanders the city streets and inviting countryside with her camera, she makes new acquaintances, including a man whose wife is battling cancer, a kind-hearted kindred spirit florist, and a dance choreographer. But none quite see her as fully as Toshi does. As a yearning and perhaps forbidden attraction takes root, the widowed Chloe must contend with allowing herself to feel romantically for someone again. Read More

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SUNDANCE ’22: The Hefty Cost of Righteousness in ‘GOD’S COUNTRY’

When a red truck is left parked on her property, a public speaking professor inadvertently begins an escalating feud with two townie hunters. Based on the short story “Winter Light” by James Lee Burke, God’s Country is a frosty thriller about bad blood in the Alaskan backcountry where an attempt to be reasonable breaks down into white hot confrontation. Led by a commanding turn from Thandiwe Newton, the debut film from Julian Higgins spotlights the spurned Sandra approaching a breaking point, as her better judgment is overtaken by frustration with a community that doesn’t see her as an equal or want to take her seriously. Read More

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Sundance ’22: Bizarro Satire ‘DUAL’ Sees The World Through a Hazy Reflection 

In the near future, a process called “replacement” allows dying individuals to clone themselves in Dual. The goal: their living loved ones will no longer have to miss them. When Sarah (Karen Gillan) starts vomiting blood one day and is told stiffly that she will assuredly die very soon, she decides to gift her loved ones with a double of herself. When she later finds out that her terminal illness is in sudden remission, she must legally fight her double to the death in a broadcast dual, as only one of them is allowed to survive. Read More