Cooties; Cat fights; Relapses; Double-crossing; French fries at gun point; An ill-advised proposal; Burning Books; And some very, very bad news…

An entire female population in their underwear, a gum wrapper proposal, cat fights and hate sex in a condemned library are not nearly as much fun as they sound, in ‘Bed Bugs And Beyond.’

[This recap will discuss ‘Bed Bugs And Beyond’’ in detail, and may contain spoilers. Be advised.]

After the broad scoping look at the entire ensemble of Litchfield Penitentiary, it’s a return to business as usual for Orange Is The New Black, returning the focus to a couple of unhealthy and ill-advised relationships. First, and most prominently, is a return to the Piper/Alex storyline. Unsurprisingly. Alex is cracking up, while Piper is still withholding the fact that she made the call that landed Alex back in Litchfield. It’s quid pro quo, to be sure, since Alex landed Piper behind the bar in the first place, but something tells me their happy lesbian reunion will be disrupted once she finds out.

The other relationship drama comes from Daya and Bennett, as the harsh reality of their new bundle of joy begins to pierce their thick, thick skulls. Daya’s mom, Aleida, meets with Mrs. Mendez, aka Lady Pornstache, who wants to adopt the baby. Mrs. Mendez seems, surprisingly, to be the most emotionally mature and sound out of the entire twisted web of conspirators. She acknowledges that her son is a twisted sadist, and wants to do anything in her power to stop her grandchild from turning out like its father.

Startled by Aleida’s intervention, Bennett tries to keep his fantasy family intact by proposing to Daya with a gum wrapper wedding ring. It would be sweet, if they didn’t both seem so dim and deluded. Trying to ingratiate himself with Daya’s extended family, and catch a glimpse of what their baby’s life might be like while Daya’s still locked up, Bennett stops by at Cesar’s place, and finds a very disturbing illustration of the life in store for their baby, when Cesar pulls a gun on a 12-year-old boy who doesn’t want to eat soggy french fries, while living with a mistress and a secret baby.

There’s also some entertaining side narratives, as Big Boo and Nichols try and figure out what to do with their “candy”; Suzanne still struggles to accept Vee’s death; and the piece de resistance and first new plot point of the season: Caputo finds out Litchfield is closing in a few months. Things come to a fiery, steamy close as Piper and Alex tear each other’s clothes off and hair out in the condemned library, while Bennett drops Daya’s baby crib by the side of the road, driving off to an uncertain future.

‘Bed Bugs And Beyond’ ultimately falters, due to focusing too much on unlikable and unsympathetic characters. Likable characters is a point of contention among critics, particularly when discussing a female cast, as your average viewer if VERY unforgiving of negative or unpleasant women, but it raises interesting questions about the medium of television: what works and what doesn’t.

For me, personally, I have never given a damn about Piper and Alex’s relationship, particularly in light of the fact that it’s nowhere to be found in the book. Yes, Piper had a psycho manipulative girlfriend in Piper Kerman’s novel, but she certainly didn’t show up in the same penitentiary. The sub-plot runs the danger of transforming the novel’s theme of quiet desperation and transmogrifying negative experiences into positive growth into a tawdry ‘70s lesbian prison drama. Which, in and of itself, would be fine if they didn’t spend so much damn time on it.

Piper and Alex just seem to bring up the worst in each other.

It’s like those couples (we all know them) who are great, on their own, but you can’t stand to be in the same room with them, when together. This is unfortunate, as both Taylor Schilling and Laura Prepon give good performances, and some memorable lines (particularly Alex). It’s just their mutual tendency to default to sarcasm and “I’m so hot,”-lesbian cliches are a major turn off, for me, with the performances stopping at the epidermis. I get it, humor is a coping mechanism, and prison is the worst possible scenario, bound to bring out all manner of unpleasant psychological defects, but it doesn’t make it any easier to watch, on-screen.

I also can’t stand the dynamic between Daya and Bennett. Their wide-eyed naivete drives me up a padded cell wall. I’m being entirely biased, here, as there’s nothing wrong with Dascha Polanco or Matt McGorry’s performances (I’ve not seen them in other things, so I can’t compare.) I’ve just never related to the characters and, to be frank, think they’re some of the stupidest people on Earth. Their sentiments – although sweet – that their love will somehow give their child some magical life, is exactly the kind of thinking that practically keeps the prison-industrial complex operational in the first place. Will your happiness change that baby’s diapers? Explain where its mother is, for the first 3 years of its life? That’s not to suggest that expectant mothers who give birth while incarcerated should have to give up their babies. Just give a good, long, hard think, before deciding to keep it.

There’s a little bit of character development, from a handful of characters, almost universally for the worst. We get to see what a scumbag Luschek is, while Nichols falls into her old junkie behavior. We get to see some flashback of Bennett and what made him the way he is, but if it was supposed to make him relatable or endearing, it just seemed to make him seem like even more of a simpleton and a dolt, lip synching to “Hollaback Girl” with a waxed chest, while on the Afghani frontlines.

And, finally, the cracks in Piper’s good girl persona are starting to wear, as she is outed for being the deceitful, manipulative sociopath she has a tendency to be.

‘Bed Bugs And Beyond’ is like spending an hour with some of the worst, most annoying people on Earth. Much like being in prison.

Favorite Quotes:

“Did you hear the one about the pregnant bed bug? It gave birth in the spring.” – Aleida

“Sorry, that was a coping mechanism.” – Lady Pornstache

“I will potato her at a future time.” – Suzanne

Piper: You’ll survive. That’s what you do.

Alex: Like a cockroach.

Piper: Maybe that’s your spirit animal?

Alex: I know you’re trying to help, but really think about what you just said to me.

“I’m literally garbage. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown.” – Alex

“Depressives make for bummer fuck buddies.” – Alex

Stay tuned for our ongoing Orange Is The New Black coverage! Do you like the season? Think it’s better than the first two? Do you hate it? Let us know in the comments!

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