“V/H/S 2”
Directed by Simon Barrett, Jason Eisener, Gareth Evans, Gregg Hale, Eduardo Sánchez, Timo Tjahjanto, Adam Wingard
Starring Kelsy Abbott, Devon Brookshire, Samantha Gracie, Hannah Hughes, Kevin Hunt, Lawrence Michael Levine, Carly Robell, Mindy Robinson, Adam Wingard and John T. Woods
Horror
96 Mins
R

V/H/S 2 is completely tone deaf to any semblance of mood that it tries to summon. Waffling between a lo-fi ghost story, perverse Zombie campiness, genuinely eerie cult atmospherics, old-school creature puppetry, and shockingly lame Alien clichés, the five portions that make up this film couldn’t be more disparate and at odds with each other. Even without the complete overuse of crackling audio and tired finicky video errors, it’s clear that this franchise cannot capture the almost realistic nature of the first film and instead settles with being a loose grab-bag of predictable horror staples.

In order to flesh out what exactly made V/H/S 2 such a failure on the whole, it’s important to understand the pieces. At first, the narrative structure holding the whole thing together seems more promising than the destructive-kids-on-a-tear that was the structural glue for the first one. It becomes obvious rather quickly though that just as little thought was put into this overarching story as were put into the segments that make up the majority of the film’s run-time.

The first segment opens on a guy who, after some unexplained accident, has had his eye replaced by a cyber-eye at the behest of an obviously screwy doctor/scientist. As part of the experiment, this robotic eye records everything that the host sees and thus, the filmmakers have set up the framework for the whole VHS slant. Even in the inklings of these establishing moments, the acting is so wooden and grade school that you’re almost jolted right out of the thing.

Only 10 minutes into the film and you’re already second-guessing its value… then come the ghosts whose makeup jobs look more like your parents on Halloween than anything resembling a professional effort. Sure, it’s spooky, it’s got some degree of mystery as to how they filmed some of the shots and certainly milks its fair share of jump-scares but it’s not really that much more impressive than something you’d find on YouTube and it features the acting ability of your local middle school play. Next.

From the second this sophomore short begins, it’s evident that we have another dud. Some dude is strapping a GoPro camera to his helmet to record his super-dope, ultra-hardcore mountain biking ride when his girlfriend calls and gives some speech about how he should be riding her and not his bike. Sigh. I understand that you’re not going to get top notch writers or even agented performers for the level of work but it really just seems like Gregg Hale and Eduardo Sánchez, the filmmakers responsible for this dud, just scooped up their own friends or girlfriends for some of these roles. The acting is that bad.

 *SPOILER ALERT* As the chaos escalates, our POV gains sentience, grabs a shotgun and blasts his own head off. Considering that this is only a short, Hale and Sanchez may think they have escaped answering for this blaring WTF but it’s what’s left lingering afterwards. Horror audiences are asked more than most to just go with the flow and accept things for what they are but that’s still no excuse from this flagrantly sloppy screenwriting. *END SPOILER*

After these first two complete failures, the third short (which is considerably longer than the first two) arrives and saves the day. It doesn’t waste time establishing the POV and discards the shoddy acting while offering an actually interesting premise that hasn’t been done a million times before. We’re in some South East Asian country to check in with a scandalous cult organization and it’s pretty clear off the bat that the crew of documentary filmmakers –  whose eyes we are seeing through – are in store for some serious trouble.

Gareth Evans makes this work as well as it does because he plays with both reality and fantasy. Even though the aspects that were all grounded in reality work better than those that were not, this fantasy mash-up is certainly more entertaining than the run-of-the-mill horror flick. While this portion of the film may not quite be transcendent horror, it’s a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stagnant and stinky feature.

The final segment is hardly worth mentioning because it could be the weakest of the bunch. After establishing a pretty solid setting of tweens vs. teens and the escalating pranks taking place at their beachside mansion, director Jason Eisener abandons any sense of propriety and sulks backwards into the lamest alien feature this side of the 21st century. The lack of imagination and scares are almost laughable and invoke a sense that this is all just a facade to be pulled away to reveal the real scares. It’s not. It’s just that bad.

If you have five people each pour a different ingredient into a proton collider and turned it on full blast, you still couldn’t expect something as disparate and self-defeating as this sour hodgepodge.  The standards for these short scares seem so low that I wouldn’t be surprised if they had a three-week window to make the executive decision on what was going to pass. Admittedly, there was one of the five total flicks that really worked for me but otherwise this is four-fifths of a terrible movie. With four films begging for that easy F and the third portion being a pretty solid B, the resulting GPA does not work in the film’s favor. If you’re up for turning off your mind and seeing the same old thing all over again in a completely unoriginal manner, you’re sure to get a few chuckles from the experience but otherwise, go watch Evil Dead again.