However inconsistent Weekly Review might be at this point, I’m trying to revitize it…especially since I’m sick at home and have nothing better to do. In the theater this week, I relished the much awaited fall season with screenings of the excellent Dallas Buyers Club and Captain Phillips. Fluffy popcorn flicks (Ocean’s Twelve, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) met with serious dramas (Dog Pound, Life is Beautiful) and big name sketch comedy (Movie 43) and I ended up doling out the very rare, very elusive A+. Find out what grabbed the most coveted grade in this week’s edition of Weekly Review.

Ocean’s Twelve (2003)

Like the bachelor too interested in being suave to realize that that he has dirtied toilet paper stuck to the sole of his show, Ocean’s Twelve is all frills with little of substance making the wheels turn. Unlike the well-oiled machine that was the original Ocean’s film, this one clomps from one plot point to another either not realizing or not caring that it stomps on any sense of cohesion that precedes the scene that we’re in. Too caught up trying to pull a number on its audience, Ocean’s Twelve fails to satisfy those trying to connect the dots as they plot towards a hurried and pale-brained conclusion. All the stars that lend their talent to this massive ensemble still work their tempestuous charm and Steven Soderberg‘s eye for framing is consistently satisfying but they are just wind up as buttercream icing on a rotten cake.

C-

Dog Pound (2010)

Although some of the characters are sketched a little thin and the ten-dollar guitar score is dependably awful in this Canadian drama about an American juvenile detection center, the narrative is occasionally gripping and always cloaked in thoughtful sentiment. Beginning with the origin of how three new inmates earned their incarcerations, Dog Pound proceeds to examines prison politics from a perspective of lost youth, revealing that no matter what age, prison is hell. Here emotional breakthroughs are as rare as fleeting moments of peace, leaving everyone as a shade of a monster. As a Canadian production laser-focused on American dealings, it can’t escape its own heavy-handed judgement-doling nor will it debunk any common understandings of the U.S. penitentiary system.

C+

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

In a world where the existence of vampires has dictated real world events for centuries, Abraham Lincoln is not only the 16th president of the United States but an axe-wielding scourge of the undead. Sepia tone aside, the aesthetic palette used to tell the story used confuses inconsistency for irony. Over-saturated but thrifty CGI in the big spectacle shots take away from director Timur Bekmambetov‘s otherwise nifty stunt work. A fat-lipped script leads clunky storytelling and pigeon-toed acting to an ineffective adventure story that provides one big step in the wrong direction after Bekmambetov’s exciting big debut, Wanted. For some inexplicable reason, the people here – from the actors to the composer – seem to actually be taking themselves seriously. I guess it turns out that history and vampires don’t blend after all (at least outside of those bestselling books.)

D

Life is Beautiful (1997)

What starts as a quirky, colorful Italian comedy reminiscent of Charlie Chaplin‘s “tramp as talkie” changes gears to become one of the most slyly devastating films of all time. Director Roberto Benigni stars as Guido, an unassuming vagabond champion. He spends the first chapter of the film courting the apple of his eye; a well-to-do beauty known to him only as “princess”. Always one to manipulate souring circumstances to his best advantage, Guido charms his Dora (Nicoletta Braschi) with false serendipity and an uncompromising heart of gold. As their affection for one another grows, so do the antisemitic undertones occupying the political scape closing tighter around them. When WWII breaks out a few years later, Guido’s family is sent packing to an Nazi death camp. Wanting to shield his young son from the true unblinking horror of their situation, Guido convinces him that the whole thing is an elaborate game. Holocaust films are devastating by nature but Benigni’s vision of blind hope brings new meaning to heartbreak. An astounding, towering feat of acting and directing, Benigni finds humor in hopelessness, beauty in bleakness.

A+

Movie 43 (2013)

Essentially SNL with big name stars – if SNL had more of an obsessive focus on ball sacks – Movie 43 is a menagerie of bizarro sketch comedy inlaid with some high highs and really, really low lows. Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts share a twisted homeschooling bit that manages to cull some hearty laughs while real life husband and wife Chris Pratt and Anna Farris “poop on me” scene is painfully unamusing and eyebrow-raisingly childish to boot. But the clunker king of these shorts is the mid credits “Bezel the cat” video with Josh Duhamel and Elizabeth Banks. The scene is truly an embarrassment for all involved. As an entire piece, Movie 43 is boldly scatological, racist, sexist, and purely disgusting but lazy execution and an elevator of comedic quality really do make it a bad film. And good god did it leave on a poor note.