“It’s not scary,” reads my F review for All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, “It’s not funny. It’s not ironic. It’s white bread soaked in water. It’s such a dullard that it’s almost confusing. I really do think that [director Jonathan] Levine must have assumed that there was something ironic about doing exactly what we expected him to do but in reality, it works about as well as the Hindenburg. That is, it blew up in his face.” Thankfully, you now have a chance to judge this bottom feeder for yourself.

My biggest problem with the stilted horror film is that it seems to want to send up the genre but winds up doing nothing more than adhering to it tooth-and-nail, clinging to familiarity like a toddler’s first day at kindergarten. Starring Amber Heard as Mandy Lane, the story follows a young beauty of budding popularity who goes on a weekend excursion with the cool kids. As suggested by the trailer and the slasher premise of it all, people start dropping like flies.

The only reason that people continue to talk about this movie is because it was filmed all the way back in 2006 and has been kept shelved, only to resurface with the success of Jonathan Levine’s more recent work. Word of mouth has a strange way of bubbling up for no reason and withholding here has certainly seemed to work for All the Boys Love Mandy Lane. I will caution you to avoid the movie like scabies (full review here) but there’s no harm done in laughing along at the trailer. Trust me, there is nothing beyond the surface on his dead-eyed snoozer.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is directed by Jonathan Levine and stars Amber Heard, Anson Mount, Whitney Able, Michael Welch, Edwin Hodge, Aaron Himelstein, Luke Grimes, and Melissa Price. It finally opens in theaters, seven years later, on September 6.

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