Before a night of celebrating the best of the industry begins, the folks over at the Razzies have taken their opportunity to cut down the worst of the worst of the year. And though 2013 had some truly great films, it also had its fair share of big, ol’ losers. Having put together my own column on the Absolute Worst Movies of 2013, many of which found their way into this list of contenders, I’m pleased to report that the people handing out the Razzies and I found some common ground in Jaden Smith and his repulsive turn in a After Earth leading role. Tyler Perry and his cast also took a hit as did pretty much everyone working on Movie 43. Check out the rest of the losers of the Razzies below.
Worst Movie 2013: “Movie 43”
Worst Actor 2013: Jaden Smith (“After Earth”)
Worst Actress 2013: Tyler Perry (in drag) (“A Madea Christmas”)
Worst Supporting Actor 2013: Will Smith “After Earth”
Worst Supporting Actress 2013: Kim Kardashian “Tyler Perry’s Temptation”
Worst Screen Ensemble 2013: Jaden Smith & Will Smith “After Earth”
Worst Director 2013: The 13 People Who Directed “Movie 43”
Worst Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel 2013: “The Lone Ranger”
Worst Screenplay 2013: “Movie 43” Written by 19 “Screenwriters”
With all the talk of great movies out of the way, the task of singling out and ridiculing the slate of absolutely garbage that somehow managed to limp into theaters this year has come. Now every year inevitably sees a slew of flunkies hit the big screen like a batch of rotten tomatoes but I found 2013 in general to be a torpid offender in the “worst of” category. Maybe I ought to chalk up the number of bad movies this year to the fact that I watched over 150 films but then again, I did actively skip a lot of movies that seemed objectively “bad.”
You won’t find the likes of Scary Movie 5, Grown Ups 2, Safe Haven, or Madea’s Christmason this list because there was no way I was going to see those films. At least the ones I’ve included below had a shot at being decent. Whether or not that makes them even more offensively bad is certainly a topic worth debating, but all that really matters is that they stunk to high heavens and deserve to be watched by no one.
Before I launch into the absolute bottom of this trash bag of entertainment, I do need to recognize some crud that managed to stay off the list just because their terribleness was one-upped. But don’t confuse their absence from the coveted top ten as me patting them on the head and letting off the hook. Think of it more like a police officer letting you off for grand theft auto because someone just set fire to a hospital full of cancer babies. Obviously they’re going to go after the baby arsonist. Here, I have my sights on the baby arsonists of cinema.
Prince Avalanche The Last Exorcism: Part 2 The Lone Ranger Parkland Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom Epic Diana Now You See Me Pacific Rim A Good Day to Die Hard
A remarkably dull endeavor that (worse than anything) turned Ethan Hawke‘s otherwise considerable year on its head, Getaway uses close quarter tactics to unwittingly beat us into a state of exhaustion and apathy. More believably a hack than a hacker, Selena Gomez offers some of the worse acting of the entire year so poor Hawke didn’t stand much of a chance. Watching them interact is like having a Skype conversation with a five second delay. There’s just absolutely no life to it. There is one definitive scene towards the end of the film that showcases how the film could have been approached successfully but, unfortunately, filmmaker Courtney Solomon decided to go the easy, cliché action route and blasted out this dud of a thrill ride that’s absent on thrills and, at the end of the day, makes absolutely no sense.
9. OZ: THE GREAT AND POWERFUL
What a plastic, cold effort from otherwise rafter-swinging Sam Raimi. In addition to being a massive disappointment, Oz: The Great and Powerful is easily one of the worst of the year. It all just seems like one big joke. The cocksure and smarmy performance from James Franco is certainly gag-worthy but it’s somehow outshone by the spam of a performance from Mila Kunis as the poorly makeup-ed Wicked Witch. Even the usually consistent Michelle Williams and Rachel Weiszare flat and ineffective. For a movie with so much talent, promise, and resources, Oz is a far cry from great and not even remotely powerful.
8. ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE
I hate to bury Adam Levine‘s 2006 horror movie that finally saw the light of day this year but it really deserved to stay in its coffin. Existing on a purely meta level, this genre film dares us to see past the faux-irony that is having everything we expect to happen happen. Or maybe the whole thing was supposed to be a shock and I just saw through it like the 35-cent jello mold that it was. Although a small fan base slobbered this one up, it unequivocally offered nothing new in terms of surprises, effects, or execution and was as wholly flat as the Texas plains where it takes place. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is a glowing representation of the horror of lazy horror.
7. MOVIE 43
You know this list is bad when you find Movie 43 all the way up in seventh place. Steaming pile of garbage though it was, I didn’t actively hate Movie 43 the way I did many of the others on this list. Sure, it’s lazy, dumb, obnoxious, tasteless, offensive, and desperate for laughs but at least we didn’t go in to this expecting it to be a real movie. And for the many, many misses, there were a few sketches that worked my funny bone and I gotta dish out some credit where it’s due. Still, nothing this year clawed at my nerves like the Beezel the cat sketch. That was just in a league of its own.
6. THE HANGOVER: PART 3
An ugly and unnecessary conclusion to a series that should have ended when it began, The Hangover: Part 3 has no idea what it’s doing. Instead of rehashing the events of the first one like the Bangkok-set Hangover 2 did, this second sequel turns fatally dark and all but drops the comedy angle. There’s not a laugh to be found in its 100-minute runtime. And maybe it’s the disappointment that the series has fallen so far or maybe it’s the fact that this movie is just undeniably bad to the bone but The Hangover: Part 3 is the perfect example of sequels sullying the good name of the original. The decision to carry on the franchise even though they were clearly out of ideas is only exacerbated by bringing Ken Jeong‘s cringe-worthy Chow character to the forefront. What a steaming mess this flick is from cover-to-cover.
5. THE FIFTH ESTATE
A purely pathetic effort no matter which way you look at it, The Fifth Estate is the Billy Madison of biopics. And with its agenda so clearly honed in on degrading Julian Assange, I’m surprised they didn’t just have Adam Sandler play the part. Shockingly enough, it seems to have no idea how terrible it is. There are no character revelations, no sense of arc, no focus, and no real reason for this film to exist at all. Beyond the cinematic no-no that is trying to make coding cool, Bill Condon goes so far as to craft a series of scenes that take place in “the coding world.” Part bumbling Matrix-style mind game, part collective brain fart, these recklessly awful sequences provided some of the most laughable moments of the entire year. The true shame is that within The Fifth Estate is an important story but it was approached with the finesse of a drunk chimp and made for entirely daffy drama.
4. AFTER EARTH
Look no further than Jaden Smith‘s earth-shatteringly horrendous performance to see the failings of M. Night Whoever‘s latest box-office turd. It was a miracle that anyone agreed to finance another Shyamalan film after steady and progressively worse receptions of his films but, considering the sizable budget on this one and the seeming star power in the Smiths, hope was in the air that maybe After Earth would be a redemption of sorts of the faltering director. But when it crashed landed, it couldn’t have been further from a revival. Defunct on all levels, After Earth is one of the dumbest films to see the light of day in 2013 and fails on just about every level that a film could fail at. However if there was one film this year proved to us the effectiveness of acting through pouting your lips, After Earth proudly stands on the puffiness of Jaden’s punim.
3. THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES
Long, unnecessary title aside, plot threads dangle throughout The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones like cobwebs in a tomb. Though convention has taught us to expect resolutions by a movie’s end, it’s almost as if the people in charge here forget how many nonsensical plot holes were left gaping by the time the lights went up. The best, and worst, example of which includes the central teenage pair who fall for each other even though they’re informed that, you know, they’re brother and sister. But, I mean, whatevz right? Backed by awful, hammed up performances across the board, this flunkie failed to make even the devout YA fans care. The saving grace is that after such a disappointing financial cull, production was halted on the follow-up that was already in progress, so it’s unlikely that we’ll ever see a sequel.
2. THE CANYONS
As ugly as it is repugnant and pseudo-intellectual, The Canyons is gross and unnecessary on all fronts. Imagine a movie so bad that Lindsay Lohan looks endlessly talented when compared to her co-stars and the solitary selling point is its close resemble to soft core porn and you have the ingredients that make The Canyons. From the very first tracking shot that just screams amateur filmmaker, I knew this film was going to be awful but nothing could have prepared me for just how hideous and empty it really was. The Canyons goes about trying to indite LA trust fund babies for being vacuous and unable to relate by being vacuous and unable to relate. Like that guy who wears neon t-shirts down to his kneecaps and leaves the sticker on his b-ball cap and think he’s the cock of the walk, the whole cast and crew in The Canyons just don’t seem to realize that we’re laughing at them, not with them.
1. THE HOST
An amazing feat of filmmaking as implosion, The Host, when it isn’t awful, is busy boring you to tears. Even for a teen franchise, The Host is dramatically inept and utterly incapable of making you care about anything or anyone. As if that’s not enough already, it lacks even one moment of genuine excitement. Even the love quadrangle will leave tweens checking their watches. The Host transforms the boredom of watching the paint dry with waiting for the wheat to grow. Seriously, there are multiple scenes where the characters are literally waiting in a cave for wheat to grow. How did anyone expect this movie would appeal to anyone?! I haven’t even mentioned the intolerable voice-over inner-monologues a la teeny-bopper arguments which serve as the brown icing smeared on this shit cake. The Host is so actively bad that it seems like the kind of thing that would play on repeat in hell while your eyes are shuttered open Clockwork Orange style.
So there it is, the worst of the worst of 2013. As a consolation prize for everyone who made it all the way to the end, here are my (brief) awards for worst actor and actress.
Worst Actor: Johnny Depp “The Lone Ranger”/Jaden Smith “After Earth”
I had to make this category a tie because both performances are truly awful, but for their own unique, special reasons. While Jaden seems to be suffering from a case of not knowing any better, Depp has no such excuse. So a tie between Johnny “I don’t want ever watch the movies I’m in”/”I’m 1/64 native American so me playing Tonto isn’t offensive” Depp and Jayden “I literally can’t act”/”But Daddy says I can” Smith seems like a fore-drawn conclusion in the worst actor of 2013 showdown. When it comes down to the wire though, I don’t think I could be forced to choose which of their performances is more actively awful. Coin toss anyone?
If there’s one thing Selena Gomez has proved trying to break away from her Disney image it’s that she shouldn’t have tried to break away from her Disney image. Her wildly ineffectively chemistry with just about anyone who happens to be unlucky enough to share a scene with her is written on the walls with permanent marker. Between her pitiful performances in both Getaway and Spring Breakers, Gomez only has herself to compete against herself to be named the Prom Queen of grade-F acting.
I managed to get a lot of home watching in this week as there wasn’t a ton of screenings I had to attend with The Book Thief being the only film I saw in theaters, and while it had a lot going for it, was ultimately let down by clumsy melodrama. I also published my full review for Blue is the Warmest Color, which I had a lot of problems with, and Kyle wrote up a review for The Best Man Holiday, which he had a lot of problems with. Today brought a screening of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, which I’ll probably review by tomorrow, and this week also holds Vince Vaughn‘s Delivery Man, the Jason Statham vs. James Franco actioner Homefront, and Disney‘s Frozen, which everyone has just been loving. But let’s get down to business and do some weekly reviewing.
THE HOST (2006)
Firstly no, not the Stephenie Meyer book, the much, much better 2006 South Korean film. A monster movie that isn’t really a monster movie, The Host revels in its hazy political metaphors of totalitarian government. No matter how fake the slimy creature from Seoul’s Han River might look, his computer generated presence is still a well laid MacGuffin to probe state’s interference and the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few. Gripping and smart from start to finish, The Host is monster movie making at its most thoughtful and sly. Also, no Stephenie Meyer.
THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED (2006)
Chartering just how screwy the MPAA is when passing judgement on films’ ratings, Kirby Dick‘s documentary points a lot of fingers and raises a lot of good points, but could have been crunched down into a shorter, tighter doc. However interesting the topic – to some – a documentary needs to preserve a sense of urgency of knowledge and This Film is Not Yet Ratedwastes a large portion of its screen time lingering too long with a batty PI and false tension.
THE STUFF (1982)
Horrid acting, terrible directing, and dimwitted metaphors that beat you over the head at every turn, there is nothing of substance in The Stuff. The only thing likely to stick with you after it wraps are the catchy jingles (but it’s not like you want any more jingles bopping around your skull.)
THELMA AND LOUISE (1991)
I finally got around to watching one of Ridley Scott‘s most beloved films and can certainly recognize why it gets so much of said love. This is the undercover feminism movie that sees women’s empowerment as something to be celebrated, not just something to be talked to death. As two woman turn away from their domestic prisons, they discover something within themselves that, now free, can never be caged again. The film has a few issues in terms of character development vs. established timeline but nothing so bad as to muddle the overall impact. Witnessing these women’s decent into lawlessness is one of the more fun, and more meaningful, experiences of domestication gone awry.
THE IMPOSTER (2012)
A soaring documentary bubbling over with so much unthinkable insanity that you couldn’t have made up anything more wacky. A true stranger than fiction tale, The Imposter‘s success isn’t necessarily a result of perfect – or even great – filmmaking so much as it is a stunning story culled from an absolutely gripping topic. What’s more is that it leaves you craving more details, shocked and amazed at these true events and wanting to take part in the investigation yourself. Going into it blind is absolutely essential so learn as little as you can before watching. If you do, you’ll be hard pressed to find a more gripping, edge-of-your-seat film – documentary or otherwise.
AFTER EARTH (2013)
Earth to Will Smith. Your career is dying. Abort acting with your child. Repeat: abort! In After Earth, the rockstar Smith of the 1980s seems to have shriveled up and disappeared and in his place is an aging surly stone of a man intent on exclusively working with his children. While there was a certain cutesiness to that chemistry in Pursuit of Happyness, it has gotten the better of him here. Jayden Smith‘s mildewed acting is as transparent as it is hollow. His bratty face-crunching acting style is more disastrous than M. Night‘s career -which at this point is so in the hole it’ll never imaginably see the light of day again. Just stale from front to back, there is not a modicum of joy to be found in this crash landing of a movie.