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Weekly Review 39: HARD, CHOPPER, JAWS, RED 2, BUTLER, DIRTY, SQUARE, DAZED

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Another period in which I haven’t posted Weekly Reviews for a stretch, this time due to my time spent at Sundance, this week I offer up eight (!!!) short blurbs on movies that I’ve watched in the recent past. Some good, some bad, some ugly, this Weekly Review segment features two of the Oscar-nominated documentaries (I’ve now seen all five) some lingering 2013 movies I finally got around to and the Oscar movie that couldn’t (The Butler).

 

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD (2013)

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One swift word can sum this all up: garbage. As if the name isn’t fair warning enough, A Good Day to Die Hard takes all the good grace for this lauded action series, tears it apart and erects a statue to stupidity in its place. Gone is the John McClane we’ve known and loved from the first four installments and in his place is a goon of a gunner. With cartoonish dialogue, a Russian villain eating a carrot, and no intelligence to speak of, this hard dying Die Hard allows McClane to be reduced to a bumbling old kook. He was once the life of the party, now he’s just a supporting character, a scaled down accidental hero. What a bore.  

D

CHOPPER (2000)

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Eric Bana stars as the real life Australian prisoner Mark “Chopper” Read who achieved fame in prison after penning a wacky autobiography. Bana does a great job at embodying a character but director Andrew Dominick is not quite as deft behind the camera. There’s a few great scenes but all in all it feels like a lesser version of Bronson, Nicholas Winding Refn‘s similarly themed prison character study. But if you’re looking for a good performance from Bana, this an early role in which he really holds the screen. Worth a watch but doesn’t demand one.

C

JAWS (1975)

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It feels like it’s been a lifetime since I watched Steven Speilberg‘s game changing blockbuster and revisiting it proved a fun foray into my childhood shark angst. Pretty much the only memory I had of the film was the iconic music and the behemoth great white monster so seeing how long it took for Mr. Jaws to really reveal himself was an unexpected exercise in tension. Richard Dreyfuss is on fire here and Roy Scheider is immensely watchable as the old timey symbol of bygone, stoic masculinity. It’s a film that distinctly belongs to the 70’s and yet could have been made today and been just as great. All in all, Jaws is a well oiled how-to playbook for mainstream blockbusters.

B+

RED 2 (2013)

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Noticeably more fun than the first installment, Red 2 seems to rely more on comic book sensibility than the first one. The action is goofy and fun, mimicking the out-of-control physics that only a video game or comic could provide, and the characters are oft-kilter shades of insanity. Bruce Willis is much more of an action hero, or arguable John McClane, here than he is ever is in Live Free or Die Hard and it’s good to see him turn his rootin’-tootin’ antics towards something that we can at least get a kick out of. Still much in need of a narrative overhaul and fresh direction, Red 2 is still just enough fun to warrant a watch.

C+

THE BUTLER (2013)

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I was backpacking Glacier National Park when The Butler screened here in Seattle and somehow over the course of the year, I never really found the time to catch it in its theatrical run. After all the dust has settled though and The Butler missed out on even one Oscar nomination, I’m a little surprised that this film ever had the traction it did. Forest Whitaker is solid but his work is never immensely challenging, nor is it near the ranks of the many top-tier performances we’ve seen this year. Oprah Winfrey is fine but honestly the script spoon feeds her “Oscar moment” scenes and she doesn’t really elevate them to a point where I would consider her performance worthy of note. Drunk, struggling with race and suffering from a dying child, her role is a cocktail of awards bait and little more. The racial relations present here are certainly overshadowed by the might of 12 Years a Slave but Cecil Gaines’ story is none the less important, it just may be a few years too late. With Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom being an absolute failure, The Butler can be happy taking second place in the 2013 black historical biopic race.

B-

DIRTY WARS (2013)

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An absolutely gripping documentary that starts with the investigation of an isolated massacre of women and children in Afghanistan and builds into the scariest reality America is facing today, Dirty Wars unfolds a scenario in which unbridled warfare is our country’s inevitable future. Rather than place blame on the many “enemies of the US,” investigative journalist Jeremy Scahill shows how through outsourcing our military might to JSOC we have created a need fulfillment system in which our list of enemies will always be growing, no matter how many names we scratch off through drone strikes and illegal and immoral acts of war. Dirty Wars is a must see documentary that’s been nominated for Best Documentary this year and is currently streaming on Netflix.

A

THE SQUARE (2013)

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Another important (and Oscar-nominated) documentary that so happens to have a Netflix exclusive run, The Square deals with the aftermath of the 2011 Egyptian revolutions that toppled Mubarak’s long standing regime. While that story of overthrowing a nation’s ruler, a million man march and secular revolution amidst torrents of religious zealots was the hot topic issue across the world for the span of a few weeks, when the flash burned out, people’s gaze faced elsewhere. Egyptians though still faced an uphill battle of implementing real change. Documenting the two and a half year period following the events that changed political efficacy in the Middle East, Jehane Noujaim‘s powerful documentary is about maintaining hope and fighting for what you believe, no matter what the cause and no matter how futile.

A-

DAZED AND CONFUSED (1993)

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I’ve seen portions of Dazed and Confused throughout my life but, somehow, I’d never watched it in its entirety. Richard Linklater, one of my favorite living directors, though focused on the lives of high schoolers in the 70’s, still has the same vision he does today for perceptive realism and dialogue driven earnestness. Regardless of the fact that a bevy of this where-are-they-now ensemble are high, drunk or too geeky to function, their observations about life, love and growing up are surprisingly acute for how red or glazed over their eyes are. More than just a dumb stoner movie, Dazed and Confused is smartly comedic and just dramatic enough to give it some emotional heft.

B

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The Absolute Worst Movies of 2013

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With all the talk of great movies out of the way, the task of singling out and ridiculing the slate of absolutely garbage that somehow managed to limp into theaters this year has come. Now every year inevitably sees a slew of flunkies hit the big screen like a batch of rotten tomatoes but I found 2013 in general to be a torpid offender in the “worst of” category. Maybe I ought to chalk up the number of bad movies this year to the fact that I watched over 150 films but then again, I did actively skip a lot of movies that seemed objectively “bad.”

You won’t find the likes of Scary Movie 5, Grown Ups 2, Safe Haven, or Madea’s Christmas on this list because there was no way I was going to see those films. At least the ones I’ve included below had a shot at being decent. Whether or not that makes them even more offensively bad is certainly a topic worth debating, but all that really matters is that they stunk to high heavens and deserve to be watched by no one.

Before I launch into the absolute bottom of this trash bag of entertainment, I do need to recognize some crud that managed to stay off the list just because their terribleness was one-upped. But don’t confuse their absence from the coveted top ten as me patting them on the head and letting off the hook. Think of it more like a police officer letting you off for grand theft auto because someone just set fire to a hospital full of cancer babies. Obviously they’re going to go after the baby arsonist. Here, I have my sights on the baby arsonists of cinema.

Dishonorable Mentions:

Prince Avalanche
The Last Exorcism: Part 2
The Lone Ranger
Parkland
Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
Epic
Diana
Now You See Me
Pacific Rim
A Good Day to Die Hard

10. GETAWAY

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A remarkably dull endeavor that (worse than anything) turned Ethan Hawke‘s otherwise considerable year on its head, Getaway uses close quarter tactics to unwittingly beat us into a state of exhaustion and apathy. More believably a hack than a hacker, Selena Gomez offers some of the worse acting of the entire year so poor Hawke didn’t stand much of a chance. Watching them interact is like having a Skype conversation with a five second delay. There’s just absolutely no life to it. There is one definitive scene towards the end of the film that showcases how the film could have been approached successfully but, unfortunately, filmmaker Courtney Solomon decided to go the easy, cliché action route and blasted out this dud of a thrill ride that’s absent on thrills and, at the end of the day, makes absolutely no sense.

9. OZ: THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

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What a plastic, cold effort from otherwise rafter-swinging Sam Raimi. In addition to being a massive disappointment, Oz: The Great and Powerful is easily one of the worst of the year. It all just seems like one big joke. The cocksure and smarmy performance from James Franco is certainly gag-worthy but it’s somehow outshone by the spam of a performance from Mila Kunis as the poorly makeup-ed Wicked Witch. Even the usually consistent Michelle Williams and Rachel Weisz are flat and ineffective. For a movie with so much talent, promise, and resources, Oz is a far cry from great and not even remotely powerful.

8. ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE

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I hate to bury Adam Levine‘s 2006 horror movie that finally saw the light of day this year but it really deserved to stay in its coffin. Existing on a purely meta level, this genre film dares us to see past the faux-irony that is having everything we expect to happen happen. Or maybe the whole thing was supposed to be a shock and I just saw through it like the 35-cent jello mold that it was. Although a small fan base slobbered this one up, it unequivocally offered nothing new in terms of surprises, effects, or execution and was as wholly flat as the Texas plains where it takes place. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is a glowing representation of the horror of lazy horror.

7. MOVIE 43

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You know this list is bad when you find Movie 43 all the way up in seventh place. Steaming pile of garbage though it was, I didn’t actively hate Movie 43 the way I did many of the others on this list. Sure, it’s lazy, dumb, obnoxious, tasteless, offensive, and desperate for laughs but at least we didn’t go in to this expecting it to be a real movie. And for the many, many misses, there were a few sketches that worked my funny bone and I gotta dish out some credit where it’s due. Still, nothing this year clawed at my nerves like the Beezel the cat sketch. That was just in a league of its own.

6. THE HANGOVER: PART 3

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An ugly and unnecessary conclusion to a series that should have ended when it began, The Hangover: Part 3 has no idea what it’s doing. Instead of rehashing the events of the first one like the Bangkok-set Hangover 2 did, this second sequel turns fatally dark and all but drops the comedy angle. There’s not a laugh to be found in its 100-minute runtime. And maybe it’s the disappointment that the series has fallen so far or maybe it’s the fact that this movie is just undeniably bad to the bone but The Hangover: Part 3 is the perfect example of sequels sullying the good name of the original. The decision to carry on the franchise even though they were clearly out of ideas is only exacerbated by bringing Ken Jeong‘s cringe-worthy Chow character to the forefront. What a steaming mess this flick is from cover-to-cover.


 5. THE FIFTH ESTATE

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A purely pathetic effort no matter which way you look at it, The Fifth Estate is the Billy Madison of biopics. And with its agenda so clearly honed in on degrading Julian Assange, I’m surprised they didn’t just have Adam Sandler play the part. Shockingly enough, it seems to have no idea how terrible it is. There are no character revelations, no sense of arc, no focus, and no real reason for this film to exist at all. Beyond the cinematic no-no that is trying to make coding cool, Bill Condon goes so far as to craft a series of scenes that take place in “the coding world.” Part bumbling Matrix-style mind game, part collective brain fart, these recklessly awful sequences provided some of the most laughable moments of the entire year. The true shame is that within The Fifth Estate is an important story but it was approached with the finesse of a drunk chimp and made for entirely daffy drama.

4. AFTER EARTH

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Look no further than Jaden Smith‘s earth-shatteringly horrendous performance to see the failings of M. Night Whoever‘s latest box-office turd. It was a miracle that anyone agreed to finance another Shyamalan film after steady and progressively worse receptions of his films but, considering the sizable budget on this one and the seeming star power in the Smiths, hope was in the air that maybe After Earth would be a redemption of sorts of the faltering director. But when it crashed landed, it couldn’t have been further from a revival. Defunct on all levels, After Earth is one of the dumbest films to see the light of day in 2013 and fails on just about every level that a film could fail at. However if there was one film this year proved to us the effectiveness of acting through pouting your lips, After Earth proudly stands on the puffiness of Jaden’s punim.

3. THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES

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Long, unnecessary title aside, plot threads dangle throughout The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones like cobwebs in a tomb. Though convention has taught us to expect resolutions by a movie’s end, it’s almost as if the people in charge here forget how many nonsensical plot holes were left gaping by the time the lights went up. The best, and worst, example of which includes the central teenage pair who fall for each other even though they’re informed that, you know, they’re brother and sister. But, I mean, whatevz right? Backed by awful, hammed up performances across the board, this flunkie failed to make even the devout YA fans care. The saving grace is that after such a disappointing financial cull, production was halted on the follow-up that was already in progress, so it’s unlikely that we’ll ever see a sequel.  

2. THE CANYONS

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As ugly as it is repugnant and pseudo-intellectual, The Canyons is gross and unnecessary on all fronts. Imagine a movie so bad that Lindsay Lohan looks endlessly talented when compared to her co-stars and the solitary selling point is its close resemble to soft core porn and you have the ingredients that make The Canyons. From the very first tracking shot that just screams amateur filmmaker, I knew this film was going to be awful but nothing could have prepared me for just how hideous and empty it really was. The Canyons goes about trying to indite LA trust fund babies for being vacuous and unable to relate by being vacuous and unable to relate. Like that guy who wears neon t-shirts down to his kneecaps and leaves the sticker on his b-ball cap and think he’s the cock of the walk, the whole cast and crew in The Canyons just don’t seem to realize that we’re laughing at them, not with them.

1. THE HOST

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An amazing feat of filmmaking as implosion, The Host, when it isn’t awful, is busy boring you to tears. Even for a teen franchise, The Host is dramatically inept and utterly incapable of making you care about anything or anyone. As if that’s not enough already, it lacks even one moment of genuine excitement. Even the love quadrangle will leave tweens checking their watches. The Host transforms the boredom of watching the paint dry with waiting for the wheat to grow. Seriously, there are multiple scenes where the characters are literally waiting in a cave for wheat to grow. How did anyone expect this movie would appeal to anyone?! I haven’t even mentioned the intolerable voice-over inner-monologues a la teeny-bopper arguments which serve as the brown icing smeared on this shit cake. The Host is so actively bad that it seems like the kind of thing that would play on repeat in hell while your eyes are shuttered open Clockwork Orange style.

 

So there it is, the worst of the worst of 2013. As a consolation prize for everyone who made it all the way to the end, here are my (brief) awards for worst actor and actress.

Worst Actor: Johnny Depp “The Lone Ranger”/Jaden Smith “After Earth”

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I had to make this category a tie because both performances are truly awful, but for their own unique, special reasons. While Jaden seems to be suffering from a case of not knowing any better, Depp has no such excuse. So a tie between Johnny “I don’t want ever watch the movies I’m in”/”I’m 1/64 native American so me playing Tonto isn’t offensive” Depp and Jayden “I literally can’t act”/”But Daddy says I can” Smith seems like a fore-drawn conclusion in the worst actor of 2013 showdown. When it comes down to the wire though, I don’t think I could be forced to choose which of their performances is more actively awful. Coin toss anyone?

Worst Actress: Selena Gomez “Getaway”/”Spring Breakers”

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If there’s one thing Selena Gomez has proved trying to break away from her Disney image it’s that she shouldn’t have tried to break away from her Disney image. Her wildly ineffectively chemistry with just about anyone who happens to be unlucky enough to share a scene with her is written on the walls with permanent marker. Between her pitiful performances in both Getaway and Spring Breakers, Gomez only has herself to compete against herself to be named the Prom Queen of grade-F acting.

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